Why is it that "Fred" still has the power to drain the life out of me, make me question myself,my decisions and instincts? Why do my trips home from Calgary usually end up in a downward spiral of doubt,worries and tears? It doesn't seem to matter what I listen to, I've tried everything from talk radio,worship music,the Canadian Tenors....and so much more but inevetably I end up sobbing my heart out to the stars.
Speaking of stars, God sent a gorgeous one shooting down in front of me tonight. Took my breath away and ripped a broken sob from way down deep in my soul. A flash of light and I knew no matter what, my Papa loved me and thought I was great.
I don't think the tears are so much about me these days, although there is always a little residual pain relating to loss and what ifs. Its more for my kids...they deserve more. Tears for what they are missing, for the damage that has been done and will be done. For the pain they will feel when they realize how often they've been lied to. The loss of the parent they "should" have had. Lord don't let me add to that pain!! Keep my mouth shut,my heart open,my arms ready to hug but also let go. Most importantly,draw them to you, your honesty,unconditional love and wild grace. You are so fond of my(your) kids. Let them know that.
Adele.."Turning Tables"
No matter what I said, you always said more
All those things you said, they were never true,never true
all those games you played, you would always win,always win
2 comments:
when the heck did you write this? It says 10 something but your blog says your last post was 5 months ago....weird, but good I like, you have so much ability with words and expressing yourself...who knew!! :) love you amanda, forever!
sara
I never knew you wrote this either. I'm not on the blogs much lately. Not even my own!
Someday our tears will be wiped away for ever. And the tears of our children. I love you Manda!
Amy
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