Our family

Well, at the beginning of this blogging journey it was just me and the kids, along the way we have lived with different family members, added (and lost) a variety of pets moved 5 times and attended 2 different schools (4 for Jon) Through it all I continued to see God at work in our little family. I have set and met goals. My heavenly father really does know my hearts desires and continues to bless beyond what I would dare to ask or even imagine..

I will soon be changing the title of this blog to include our newest family members and if you want, you can continue to follow along and see what God has in store for us!

I was challenged a few years ago by a counsellor and again at a women's retreat to open my heart and "risk"in relationships..my relationship with my Papa God, with my family (especially my kids) and eventually to even risk my heart in a romantic relationship...I told the counsellor at that time that I didn't believe in the word "NEED" I didn't need anyone and didn't think I should need anyone...he disagreed (of course)

So here we are,not all together anymore,but still a family...from the wisdom of Lilo and Stitch..."its small and broken but still good"  Oh life with all its changes has not been easy! Needing others and allowing myself to be open to change and the hurt that so often comes with it is scary,painful and wonderful in a horribly unsettling way.  But on we go, where we haven't dared to go before...new horizons, new adventures, new mistakes (too bad we couldn't avoid those!)and new triumphs. 

Thank you Papa

Risk = Pain

My heart is heavy within me Oh God.

I followed your instructions

I saw your hand leading me

I enjoyed your blessing

Now it all seems a sham

a cruel joke

a waste

My heart is heavy

My soul is dry

my tears fall freely

the pain is like a gaping wound

a deep bruise that refuses to heal

I see your grace

I know your mercy

my heart clings desperately to you

you are here

you hold me close

you love me

help me to let go

to forgive and find healing

cleanse my mind

unlock my wounded heart

help me live and love again

Soul Poison

Why is it that "Fred" still has the power to drain the life out of me, make me question myself,my decisions and instincts?  Why do my trips home from Calgary usually end up in a downward spiral of doubt,worries and tears?  It doesn't seem to matter what I listen to, I've tried everything from talk radio,worship music,the Canadian Tenors....and so much more but inevetably I end up sobbing my heart out to the stars.

Speaking of stars, God sent a gorgeous one shooting down in front of me tonight. Took my breath away and ripped a broken sob from way down deep in my soul.  A flash of light and I knew no matter what, my Papa loved me and thought I was great.

I don't think the tears are so much about me these days, although there is always a little residual pain relating to loss and what ifs. Its more for my kids...they deserve more. Tears for what they are missing, for the damage that has been done and will be done. For the pain they will feel when they realize how often they've been lied to. The loss of the parent they "should" have had.  Lord don't let me add to that pain!! Keep my mouth shut,my heart open,my arms ready to hug but also let go. Most importantly,draw them to you, your honesty,unconditional love and wild grace. You are so fond of my(your) kids. Let them know that.

Adele.."Turning Tables"
No matter what I said, you always said more
All those things you said, they were never true,never true
all those games you played, you would always win,always win